I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
