i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
