Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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