life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
