Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
