Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
