i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
