I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
