I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
