my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Randomize
