I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
