I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
