somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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