dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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