he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
