you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
