GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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