so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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