I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
