Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
