maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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