Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
