How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
