My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
