oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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