We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
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