My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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