Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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