I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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