What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
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