I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
