Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
