Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
my being single is dangerous.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
