i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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