the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
