He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
