Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
