Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
