can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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