im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
false alarm. still invincible.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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