I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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