I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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