She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
