The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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