OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
she looked like the before picture.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
