I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
