There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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