running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize