This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
