matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
