she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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