I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Can you bring me the toilet please
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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