Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
