I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize