you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
my shit smells like andre
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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