If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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